I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
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Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole