(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
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Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
This cat wants you to take your pills
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
wait.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My god she’s good.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.