Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
And then there were 4
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.