date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
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Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
want me to check your oil?
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
They grow up so quick
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.