i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
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“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
where do you see yourself in five years?
*lint rolls you awake*
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
opening a flower shop called women in stem
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.