Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
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7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Just got to our Airbnb!
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My sex drive has a dui
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.