Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
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I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I feel like movies exaggerate men鈥檚 enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother鈥檚 Day
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I鈥檓 just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn鈥檛 correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 馃槉
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
me: i鈥檓 sorry i haven鈥檛 been on twitter much lately, my employer says i鈥檓 expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i鈥檓 essential.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I couldn鈥檛 take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
god has let me live another day and i鈥檓 about to make it everyone鈥檚 problem