I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”