*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
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I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot