When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.