“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
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No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit