Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Support your local cemetery
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”