Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
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Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you