Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
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[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
just gave your address to some spiders
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.