the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
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Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”