I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
You Might Also Like
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?