My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.