Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
You Might Also Like
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.