sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
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“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.