So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
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Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I’m already scared
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
can’t believe I got front row seats