y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
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cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
never ask a starfish for directions
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
adding to the discourse
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time