Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
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Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
your honor my client chooses dare
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”