Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
every college guy’s fridge
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.