A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
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“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.