Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
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ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
That was easy.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.