Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Still laughing at this stupid meme
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Cat.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.