God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
You Might Also Like
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer