Mice are just frozen Mwater.
You Might Also Like
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I think this should do it.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking