I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
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Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Friday night party time 🥳
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.