friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
You Might Also Like
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
pep talk
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.