I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
There are no pants in heaven.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.