I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
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Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.