“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
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Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.