Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
rise and shine we got egg
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
our love story in four pictures
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
When the stylist spins you back around
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah