I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
You Might Also Like
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
How and why my FUR ROOM exists