one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.