boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
“Why you watching this shit?”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.