May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
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I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
There is no try. There is only give up.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.