There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
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In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon