“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
You Might Also Like
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”