I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
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olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”