[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
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banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.