“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
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*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.