“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
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Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.