I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
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i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.