self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
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Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….