Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
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Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*