waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
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People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Not all heroes wear capes….
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.