Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.