If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
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I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks